Cinema Roundup

If you’re one of the lucky people to read my blog on a regular basis – as regular a basis as there can be with only four posts – you’ll have read my slightly irate rant about people who talk in the cinema. To follow up on that theme, I’m going to give you my thoughts on the films I’ve recently been to see and, hopefully at least, not moan too much about the shoddy quality of service on offer at my local Cineworld (Stevenage, consider yourselves named and shamed).


I’m afraid I can’t really remember the order I’ve seen these films in lately, because over the past few months time seems to be something of an alien concept to me, I just can’t seem to keep track of my life. I think it’s the pressure of change, at least that’s the excuse I’m gonna leave. Anyway, onto my thoroughly value-less and uninformed thoughts...


The King’s Speech


A film that lived up the hype, enormously. I’ve never really been interested in historical films, unless it’s got battles and stuff in it like Braveheart, Gladiator or Saving Private Ryan, but seeing as The King’s Speech was being billed as “unmissable” I thought I’d better not miss it. I’m hugely glad I did see it, the story is super-interesting and all the cast are incredible; for me Geoffrey Rush stood out the most, but then he did have the much flashier role than Colin Firth.


The Next Three Days


What a stupid film! I still don’t think I’ve gotten my head around what happened with the marketing/script-writing/casting/acting here, it’s just baffling. First of all, from all the marketing I saw for the film, which consisted of posters and trailers I was fully expecting a film where Russell Crowe’s wife gets jailed for something she didn’t do and something occurs meaning that he has a three-day window of opportunity to bust her out or lose her forever. So Russell Crowe gets some help from an all round badass in the form of Liam Neeson and together they formulate a super-smart plan to pull off the feat.


However, what actually happens is that Russell Crowe’s wife is jailed for something, but we don’t really give a shit because she’s really really unlikeable. Russell Crowe then goes to a man who broke out of a prison (Neeson) to get some tips on how to do it, shares one scene with him then we never see him again. Instead, we see Crowe attempting to formulate some kind of a plan while months, maybe even years pass. And all the while I can’t help but think “why the hell are you bothering?” Everything he does risks him being imprisoned too and leaving his young son to grow up without his parents, and all because he can’t live without his wife... who is completely unlikeable.


I really wanted a different kind of film to the one I got, I wanted Crowe as a regular suburbanite who turns into a ruthless man on a mission with the help of Liam Neeson in full-on Taken-mode to save the woman he loves because she’s just that fucking awesome. That’s not what this film is, and I can’t really describe what you get instead. It’s just weird.


The Green Hornet


I thought the trailers for this looked fun. And at times, the movie was fun. It was outlandish, occasionally funny and frequently had a cool Asian dude kicking folk in the head, and I like watching Asian dudes kick people in the head.

My main problem with the film lies with Seth Rogen, I’m not an out and out hater on the guy, I like him in Knocked Up, 40 Year Old Virgin and Zack & Miri Make A Porno. However, in The Green Hornet he’s just annoying. His character is a dick, perhaps by design, I don’t know, but I just got fed up with him screaming “oh my god!”, “that’s so cool!” all the time. Jay Chou as his martial artist sidekick does almost redeem the whole thing though, he’s incredibly likeable and he kicks people in the head in slow motion, what’s not to like?

Oh, an you know how I said I wouldn’t moan about the Stevenage Cineworld cinema? Well...


...the heating was broken in the screen when I saw The King’s Speech meaning it was bloody freezing.


...the sound was busted for the first 10 minutes of The Next Three Days meaning everything was muffled and now and then there was a huge electronic bassy crack.


...I had to pay extra on top of my Unlimited card to see The Green Hornet in 3D even though the 3D effects in the film were barely noticeable and certainly not worth the money.


...I attempted to buy a ticket for an advance showing of Black Swan the day following seeing The Green Hornet only to be told I couldn’t do it with my Unlimited card. The only reason I can think for this is money.

People Who Talk...

"If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater."

That's a quote from Firefly, the under-appreciated-by-most TV series that's beloved by geeks like me, and it really sums up the sentiment of this entire blog. I like films, i'm not some arthouse loving movie buff, not by any stretch, but i do like watching films of all kinds so it stands to reason that i would frequent the cinema. This was true, for a time.

However, after several experiences that didn't represent value for money or (more importantly) civilised society i stopped going to anything other than the big 'must-see' releases. It seems, at least at my local Cineworld cinema in Stevenage that a large number of people are perfectly happy to pay £7-10 to sit in a darkened room and, for want of a better phrase, 'dick about'. This infuriates me, i simply cannot block them out and i find i'm just sat in the cinema not thinking about the film that's on any more, but instead about how fucking angry i am that these retards are ruining the film for me. And i begin wishing the film would hurry up and finish, regardless of how good it might be, simply so i can get away from these arseholes that are making me so angry. To top it all off, i'm paying for the privilege of being wound up to the point of combustion.

The experience is made all the more enraging given that cinema prices have steadily increased year on year, yet the service has never improved and steps have never been taken to eradicate this menace.

Nevertheless, in the past few months i've given the cinema a reprieve. I invested in a Cineworld Unlimited card so that i can see as many films as i like for a set fee of £13.50 a month - so if i go twice a month it's easily worthwhile. So far it's been a good investment and i've managed to see lots of films without the degenerates of Stevenage troubling me, but last night, like the tormentor of a second-rate slasher film, they returned with a vengeance.

Watching 127 Hours - a tense, thought-provoking tale of personal struggle and the will to live life to the fullest that was full of quiet contemplative moments - i was distracted time and again by a group of young guys chatting away, and not even quietly. What's wrong with these people? Maybe i should be more ballsy and tell them to shut the hell up, but to be honest, in Stevenage, you have a fair chance of being stabbed in the face for making eye contact, let alone openly berating someone.

I don't know what the answer is, because i wouldn't want to be a Cineworld employee charged with ejecting these morons for the very same stab-related reasons i mentioned. I just wish they'd fuck off and let those of us who want to watch a film, do just that.