I'm Getting Married And I'm Pissed Off About It

Right then, I’d previously sacked off this blog because frankly I’m too lazy to update it, but today I really need to get something off of my chest. I’m pissed off. And I mean really pissed off, not just my normal ranty why-do-I-have-to-get-off-the-sofa-to-get-my-own-biscuits? kind of pissed off.

I recently proposed to my girlfriend and she “yes” (of course, why wouldn’t she?), so now we’re getting married. We don’t want to be one of those couples that get engaged and then put off getting wed for any great length of time. Those people are annoying; I don’t know why, they just are.

I knew that getting married would be expensive, but I also firmly believed that we could arrange a wedding that was just what we wanted and was also within our budget. I don’t think I want to divulge our budget, but let’s just say I’m not talking actual ‘budget’ in the colloquial sense, but I’m also not talking of £20k-£30k ridiculousness either. For that money I would expect ownership of the church to be thrown in with the service.

Not that we were ever considering a church wedding of course. We’re not religious, we’re not christened, and we’d likely be struck down by the wrath of God if we’d tried to worm our way into a church on the proviso that it was the “cheap and pretty” option. I’m not a believer, but I’m not taking that risk, I’ve heard heavenly smiting puts a dampener on a wedding day.

We’re also not really after anything particularly lavish; we just want it to be ‘nice’. We don’t have a huge guest list; from what we’ve discovered so far our numbers are about average, if not a bit below average.

Anyway, what we’ve now found after trawling the internet for venues, asking friends, family and acquaintances for their ideas of where’s nice, is that we simply can’t get what we want in budget. And let me tell you, that fucking sucks.

Every time we think we’ve found the place that ticks all our boxes another caveat is thrown in, usually with an unreasonable and hefty price tag attached. This also fucking sucks. It’s really frustrating and pretty depressing, but ultimately isn’t the actual reason I’m pissed off.

In order to have the exact wedding that we want all we need is a bit more money. It’s mercenary, unromantic, and materialistic, but sadly it’s also true – money will buy you the wedding you want. And this is why I’m pissed off...

We can’t quite afford the wedding we want to have, but I don’t understand why, especially when I see so many other people getting married and having everything they want.

I don’t think of myself as poor; I have savings, I’m on the property ladder, I have my own car that I own outright and aside from my mortgage I have no other debts and never have done – I’ve never, ever owned a credit card. I don't have any student debt as I didn't go to Uni; I didn't know what i wanted to do so I thought it sensible not to take on a load of student debt and a place in the further education system just to do some bullshit degree my heart wasn't in and that I'd never use like most students do. I have worked practically since the day I left school when I was 18 and have never been out of a job in the 12 ½ years since. The longest I’ve been off work in that time is when I’ve taken about 10 days off as holiday.

I work hard; I’ve had promotions and pay rises, and would consider myself as pretty highly skilled. My salary isn’t huge, but it’s decent. I’ve never had any significant commuting costs to fork out on, and for a fair chunk of my adult life I lived an almost hermit-like existence. I didn’t piss (or vomit) away my income every weekend, and I’ve never ever bought a top-of-the-range anything. If I’m ever going to buy anything I’ll always look for a deal. I’m not tight, I do spend money (sometimes whimsically – just check out my Star Wars collection), but I am frugal.

I’ve never claimed benefits or been on the dole. I’m a non-smoker and far from a heavy drinker, I’m never ill and have never put any strain on the healthcare system or been in trouble with the law (apart from that £25 fine for using a bus lane in Reading which was blatantly my TomTom’s fault).

In short, I’m a fucking amazing citizen and I feel like I’ve lived my life “the right and proper way”, but look where that gets you. I can’t even afford get married in the pretty reserved, non-extravagant, yet nice way I want to. Now THAT pisses me off.

And do you know what really tops it off? Every other fucker seems to be able to afford it no problem. How? Seriously, how? Am I the only mug around here earning less than £40k and not sponging off their parents? Is everyone else contributing to the country’s spiralling debt problem while I’m the only one sticking to my principles of “if you can’t afford it, you can’t have it”?

We’re now getting to the point where we’re fed up of trying to fit what we actually want into our budget, and we’ll end up settling for something we don’t want that’ll be shit just because we can’t face being made to feel so inadequate by every venue and added expense being thrown our way.

This is meant to be the happiest day of our lives, right now, it can just fuck off.

Better Late Than Never

Now I am less than 3 months away from hitting my milestone 30th birthday I thought it would be as good a time as any to ask the very important question: What do I want to do when I grow up?

Admittedly, aged 29, 10 months and 20-something days is perhaps a little late to be considering this, but having tried to answer that very question as a bright-eyed, bad-haired child and coming up with nothing, I reckon it's worth another stab with the benefit of some degree of life experience.

As a child my answers to any question about my future vocation would usually either be Footballer (ambitious, but ultimately unattainable) or something to do with animals; I remember making an agreement with an arty kid to have a veterinary surgery where I'd do the healing why he drew pictures to sell to the pet owners. Which is a sound business model assuming pet owners want a pencil drawing of their cat being given the snip or their dog being put to death by lethal injection. And who wouldn't want that?

So, clearly the football thing didn't work out for me or you'd be reading this on an ostentatious chrome-clad blog littered with gold-digging glamour models, and there was no chance of me becoming a vet either once I realised you needed some aptitude for the sciences. So, not knowing what I wanted to do, I did nothing, I didn't get a degree or pursue any particular career, I just finished school and waited to see what turned up.

My working life story isn't too interesting so I'll just go over the highlights. I loaded lorries for Dixons when they still had shops to stock, I scanned/post-produced photographs for a sports picture agency, I did roughly the same for a group of local papers, and now I'm doing a load of varied web/editorial things in the TV industry. Nothing there to set the world alight, and nothing that really amounts to a career path. Not that i'm complaining per se, just saying that my plan to not have a plan turned out how most unplanned plans do... sketchy.

I've done alright for myself though, I've taught myself loads of skills along the way and have got loads of good experience, but all things i've done have been pretty niche and haven't really taken me anywhere nearer to finding out what I actually want to do. I'm secretly hoping that writing about it here will help me decide.

A large part of my problem is that i'm lazy, actually that's not fair, i'm not lazy, when i'm asked to do something I will always do it, and go above and beyond what's expected of me in order to do the best job possible. However, if no one asks anything of me I can very easily just sit on my arse and while away the hours in front of the TV, PlayStation (while all my personal details are stole), or computer and end up with nothing productive at the end of it.

There are things I think interest me that I think I might like to get involved in as a career; sport (i'm relatively encyclopaedic with my depth of knowledge), writing (I enjoy bashing out the odd blog now and again and the writing aspects of my current job), and lately, having succumbed to the avalanche of home buying/building programmes on TV that my girlfriend s enjoys, I love the idea of designing buildings. The thing is though, all of those things are difficult to make a living out of; you either need qualifications, contacts, experience or money or a mixture of some if not all of them. And, crucially you need ambition and to not be a defeatist like me. Clearly.

So, what do I want to be when I grow up? I don't know.... lottery winner?

Thor

I ventured back to the cinema this week for the first time in a few weeks to watch the latest Marvel marvel, Thor. I can't pretend to be any kind of expert on the comic books that have inspired the film but I am proud to say that I am hugely interested and excited in what Marvel are doing with their movie properties right now – building this universe populated with interacting superheroes who will one day in the not too distant future cross-over/team up into one ass-whooping Avengers blockbuster. Hell. Yeah.

Thor always seemed a bit of a strange fit into this Marvel universe for me, with so many high-fantasy other-worldly elements to the story, and after seeing the trailers and promotions for the movie I was concerned that it would all be a little too ridiculous to sit within the universe created in the likes of Iron Man and The Incredible Hulk. That's not to say that an invincible metal suited man and a guy that turns into a giant green monster doesn't already require some degree of suspension of disbelief of course, but some elements of Thor do seem to be nearer to Lord of the Rings territory than the superhero genre.

Thankfully, I needn't have worried. It's not a perfect film by any stretch, but it is plenty good enough not to derail the Marvel masterplan of uniting these characters/franchises (delete as applicable depending on how cynical you're feeling) for The Avengers.

The film is excellently cast, Chris Hemsworth is plenty charismatic to carry off the lead – and i'm told by my ogling girlfriend that he was plenty 'hot' enough to hold her attention during the boyish fighting stuff while waiting for him to take his shirt off... again. Anthony Hopkins lends some much needed weight to ensure we take the more fantastical elements seriously while Natalie Portman reminds people that she can act just as well in populist mainstream pictures as in award-chasing material, banishing all memories of the Star Wars prequels.

One stand-out supporting performer is The Hurt Locker's Jeremy Renner as a S.H.E.I.L.D. Marksman who has a single scene that makes him an instant hit with the audience with his smart and likeable patter with Clark Gregg's now familiar (to Marvel film buffs) Agent Coulson. Again, this is all part of the Marvel juggernaut that is leading us towards The Avengers with that particular character set to be a major player in the “team-up” movie in the guise of Hawkeye.

I guess, as this is a movie review I should nit-pick a little – it's what everyone expects isn't it? Although I can assure you, there's not much not to like about the film. My main irritation was concerning Thor's Asgardian warrior chums, they felt like they just strolled in from another, much lower budget movie, especially Ray Stevenson as fighting fatty Volstagg. Every time he was on screen my mind went back to the botched attempt to convert He-Man to the big screen with Masters of the Universe, I'm not sure why, but it was quite distracting.

I actually thought there were more negatives than that, but thinking about it now I think to mention anything else would be mighty harsh. Considering the tricky task of marrying the heavily fantasy-tinged origins of Thor with his Earthly adventures while maintaining the same feel of the Marvel universe we've already been introduced to, I'm well prepared to cut the movie some slack, particularly when it was so entertaining.

The reason I think the movie worked as well as it did is it refused to take itself at all seriously. There's so much that goes on here that could have looked goofy as hell, and I think everyone involved in the film knew it, but thought at the same time “yes it's goofy, but it's gonna be damn fun too”. Well done them.

Roll on Captain America and The Avengers!!

Things that Are Happening

I'm too lazy to go back and read my earlier posts to know for sure but i suspect i might have started this blog with some statement like - "i want to document what is likely to be an interesting period of my life" - which is all fine and dandy in principal. In practise though, recent events in my life have meant i just haven't had much time to write a blog.

"Excuses, excuses" i hear you say... but wait! I really am busy. In summary, my life over the past few months has included...

Relationship breakup, new relationship, move back to parents', living out of a bag to avoid staying at parents', organising selling a house, splitting possessions, promotion at work, booking/planning the most expensive adventurous holiday i've ever had, renting a flat, furnishing a flat... oh and generally getting a life.

You see! That's busy, and hard! I really do want to write a successful blog though, but i just never seem to be inspired to write about anything but me and my life and largely, i reckon people just aren't interested so i just get frustrated at my inevitable lack of readership and give up. Oh yeah, i really am i that needy...

Anyway, despite all my proclamations of being uber-busy, i did knock up this natty little blog design the other day while avoiding doing something boring at work the other day. Who knows if i'll ever use it but it felt a worthwhile design exercise seeing as i have nothing creative to do at work right now.

Cinema Roundup

If you’re one of the lucky people to read my blog on a regular basis – as regular a basis as there can be with only four posts – you’ll have read my slightly irate rant about people who talk in the cinema. To follow up on that theme, I’m going to give you my thoughts on the films I’ve recently been to see and, hopefully at least, not moan too much about the shoddy quality of service on offer at my local Cineworld (Stevenage, consider yourselves named and shamed).


I’m afraid I can’t really remember the order I’ve seen these films in lately, because over the past few months time seems to be something of an alien concept to me, I just can’t seem to keep track of my life. I think it’s the pressure of change, at least that’s the excuse I’m gonna leave. Anyway, onto my thoroughly value-less and uninformed thoughts...


The King’s Speech


A film that lived up the hype, enormously. I’ve never really been interested in historical films, unless it’s got battles and stuff in it like Braveheart, Gladiator or Saving Private Ryan, but seeing as The King’s Speech was being billed as “unmissable” I thought I’d better not miss it. I’m hugely glad I did see it, the story is super-interesting and all the cast are incredible; for me Geoffrey Rush stood out the most, but then he did have the much flashier role than Colin Firth.


The Next Three Days


What a stupid film! I still don’t think I’ve gotten my head around what happened with the marketing/script-writing/casting/acting here, it’s just baffling. First of all, from all the marketing I saw for the film, which consisted of posters and trailers I was fully expecting a film where Russell Crowe’s wife gets jailed for something she didn’t do and something occurs meaning that he has a three-day window of opportunity to bust her out or lose her forever. So Russell Crowe gets some help from an all round badass in the form of Liam Neeson and together they formulate a super-smart plan to pull off the feat.


However, what actually happens is that Russell Crowe’s wife is jailed for something, but we don’t really give a shit because she’s really really unlikeable. Russell Crowe then goes to a man who broke out of a prison (Neeson) to get some tips on how to do it, shares one scene with him then we never see him again. Instead, we see Crowe attempting to formulate some kind of a plan while months, maybe even years pass. And all the while I can’t help but think “why the hell are you bothering?” Everything he does risks him being imprisoned too and leaving his young son to grow up without his parents, and all because he can’t live without his wife... who is completely unlikeable.


I really wanted a different kind of film to the one I got, I wanted Crowe as a regular suburbanite who turns into a ruthless man on a mission with the help of Liam Neeson in full-on Taken-mode to save the woman he loves because she’s just that fucking awesome. That’s not what this film is, and I can’t really describe what you get instead. It’s just weird.


The Green Hornet


I thought the trailers for this looked fun. And at times, the movie was fun. It was outlandish, occasionally funny and frequently had a cool Asian dude kicking folk in the head, and I like watching Asian dudes kick people in the head.

My main problem with the film lies with Seth Rogen, I’m not an out and out hater on the guy, I like him in Knocked Up, 40 Year Old Virgin and Zack & Miri Make A Porno. However, in The Green Hornet he’s just annoying. His character is a dick, perhaps by design, I don’t know, but I just got fed up with him screaming “oh my god!”, “that’s so cool!” all the time. Jay Chou as his martial artist sidekick does almost redeem the whole thing though, he’s incredibly likeable and he kicks people in the head in slow motion, what’s not to like?

Oh, an you know how I said I wouldn’t moan about the Stevenage Cineworld cinema? Well...


...the heating was broken in the screen when I saw The King’s Speech meaning it was bloody freezing.


...the sound was busted for the first 10 minutes of The Next Three Days meaning everything was muffled and now and then there was a huge electronic bassy crack.


...I had to pay extra on top of my Unlimited card to see The Green Hornet in 3D even though the 3D effects in the film were barely noticeable and certainly not worth the money.


...I attempted to buy a ticket for an advance showing of Black Swan the day following seeing The Green Hornet only to be told I couldn’t do it with my Unlimited card. The only reason I can think for this is money.

People Who Talk...

"If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater."

That's a quote from Firefly, the under-appreciated-by-most TV series that's beloved by geeks like me, and it really sums up the sentiment of this entire blog. I like films, i'm not some arthouse loving movie buff, not by any stretch, but i do like watching films of all kinds so it stands to reason that i would frequent the cinema. This was true, for a time.

However, after several experiences that didn't represent value for money or (more importantly) civilised society i stopped going to anything other than the big 'must-see' releases. It seems, at least at my local Cineworld cinema in Stevenage that a large number of people are perfectly happy to pay £7-10 to sit in a darkened room and, for want of a better phrase, 'dick about'. This infuriates me, i simply cannot block them out and i find i'm just sat in the cinema not thinking about the film that's on any more, but instead about how fucking angry i am that these retards are ruining the film for me. And i begin wishing the film would hurry up and finish, regardless of how good it might be, simply so i can get away from these arseholes that are making me so angry. To top it all off, i'm paying for the privilege of being wound up to the point of combustion.

The experience is made all the more enraging given that cinema prices have steadily increased year on year, yet the service has never improved and steps have never been taken to eradicate this menace.

Nevertheless, in the past few months i've given the cinema a reprieve. I invested in a Cineworld Unlimited card so that i can see as many films as i like for a set fee of £13.50 a month - so if i go twice a month it's easily worthwhile. So far it's been a good investment and i've managed to see lots of films without the degenerates of Stevenage troubling me, but last night, like the tormentor of a second-rate slasher film, they returned with a vengeance.

Watching 127 Hours - a tense, thought-provoking tale of personal struggle and the will to live life to the fullest that was full of quiet contemplative moments - i was distracted time and again by a group of young guys chatting away, and not even quietly. What's wrong with these people? Maybe i should be more ballsy and tell them to shut the hell up, but to be honest, in Stevenage, you have a fair chance of being stabbed in the face for making eye contact, let alone openly berating someone.

I don't know what the answer is, because i wouldn't want to be a Cineworld employee charged with ejecting these morons for the very same stab-related reasons i mentioned. I just wish they'd fuck off and let those of us who want to watch a film, do just that.

Adventures in Genealogy

As expected, the festive break was spent eating, drinking, being merry, feeling uncomfortable around people you wouldn't usually socialise with at any other time of year and inevitably, not blogging. However, now the Christmas and New Year shenanigans are merely a fast fading memory of over-indulgence, it's time to write something new.

Whilst lazing in front of the TV between Christmas and New Year I found myself watching a back to back episodes of Who Do You Think You Are? - Oh yeah, i know how to live. I got to thinking how it would probably be quite interesting to do a similar thing with my family, finding out all the interesting scandals and intrigue that have made me the scandalous, intriguing, Who Do You Think You Are?-watching individual i am today.

Unfortunately, as quickly as the idea had come to me, it was scuppered. I remembered that relatives on both sides of my family had already looked into it, and in so much depth that everyone got bored of listening to both of them harping on about it. So, now there's no point in me doing it because whenever i would make an enquiry for some information from a relative they'd simply say: "oh your cousin did all that, best go talk to them". But i want to find out for myself!!

So, my conclusion is this. Anyone who decides to research their family tree is selfish. They are denying generations of their family the excitement of investigating it all for themselves. The bastards. As it is, for my family, i don't think i've missed much because i can't remember a single interesting thing being unearthed by my relatives who have already undertaken their own Who Do You Think You Are? 'journey' as they so ridiculously like to call it on that TV show.

I guess i could still do it myself and who knows, i might be much better than my relatives and find out much more interesting things, because they might have been shit at it. Selfish and shit.